Thursday, 22 May 2014

How to Install a Doorknob, in 19 Easy Steps

Before seeding started, I finally convinced Brett to install our new door handle and deadbolt.  If you are planning on installing one yourself, just follow these simple steps...

1.  Buy a new door handle set that has a deadbolt lock, even though your old door knob only has a handle lock.  Why not make it harder for yourself?

2.  Be sure to nag your husband for at least an hour about doing the project, asking why he hasn't had this done for ages already.  This will put him in an excellent mood to start the whole project off.

3.  Buy a hole cutter.

4.  Spend approximately an hour trying to figure out how to lay out the template for cutting holes into your door.

5.  Use that beautiful new hole cutter to start cutting into your door - hopefully you put the template on correctly, there's no going back now.

6.  Realize that your cordless drill doesn't have nearly enough power to drill though the metal coating on your door.  Spend the next three hours charging your drill's battery, using your drill until the battery dies again, charging the battery again, using the drill again... Etc.

7.  Make a run to the farm to borrow the corded drill - but once you get there, realize it is missing.  Come home with another cordless drill.

8.  Alternate between cordless drills for a while, before realizing that this is still not working.  Go over to your neighbor's house to borrow their drill too.

9.  Finally, after four hours of battling, manage to cut the circle in the door.  Now quickly drill the hole for the deadbolt to go through - thankfully this part will be easy.

10.  Chisel a rectangle spot for the deadbolt plate to sit in (the duller the chisel the better really - again, why make this process easier?).

11.  Realize the deadbolt is not sitting deep enough in the door.  Question how you possibly screwed up the template.  Continue to chisel deeper into your door.

12.  Wonder whether your young marriage is strong enough to withstand installing this door knob... Realize that if you get through this, you can get though anything.

13.  Question whether you are actually making your door more secure by installing this deadbolt, considering how much you are currently chiseling away from it.

14.  Make your now enraged husband supper and tell him to take a break while you fight with the door.  He should then inform you that he invited the neighbors over after supper to hang out before we all go to a cabaret.  Look around your house at the disaster it is currently in and hope that you will have enough time to clean it before they come over.

15.  Turn the deadbolt upside down.  This will make it fit perfectly.  Realise that you've been chiseling for hours for no reason what-so-ever.

16.  Repeat the above steps to make the door handle fit... Sadly this angst is not done yet.

17.  Realize why carpenters get paid as much as they do, and wonder why you didn't just pay your carpenter friend to do this for you.

18.  Finally, after eight hours of fighting, finish with the door knob.  Clean your house as fast as you can before your neighbors come over.

19.  Go out and have some drinks - after the day you had, you really deserve it.

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