Wedding season is upon us!

If you are anything like Brett and I, you will be looking forward to a number of weddings this spring/summer.  Weddings are by far my favorite part of the summer season - I love getting dressed up, doing my hair and makeup, dancing, and of course bawling my eyes out at the ceremony.

In anticipation of the coming wedding season, I put together a few outfits for inspiration (I can see a new dress in my near future).

Of course you should be sure to accessorize your outfit with waterproof makeup!

Why my marriage isn't 50/50 - and why I don't want it to be.

There has been a shift in the past few decades or so that has changed marriages (in many ways for the better).  No longer are we in the time where husbands work away from the home bringing in the money and wives stay at home with the children, cooking and cleaning.  There was a lot about that set up that didn't really work very well, and for the most part I am glad things have changed.  But with these changes there inevitably comes those who take it a bit too far.

So many people now, seem to think that marriage needs to be a 50/50 equal split of duties at all times.  Like if one person does something, the other owes them.  But last time I checked, it never said "I promise to sweep the floor exactly half the time" or "I promise to cook on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but we have to split the Sundays" in our wedding vows.

I can honestly say there are few times that I have done something nice for Brett because I felt I owed him something.  He and I are partners in our marriage, yes; but not in a business sense where the things we do are transactions that should be equal.  I can also honestly say that I don't think our marriage has been totally equal yet, and I am very happy with that.

When I got sick before Christmas, I would say we were sitting at about 90/10 (at the very best).  The 10% of the time when I was doing anything was only the most basic of my own personal care (like brushing my own teeth and blowing my own nose).  I think Brett even helped me put on my socks a few times.  Was that fair?  Technically no.  But I was horribly ill and Brett picked up the slack without so much as a complaint.

When I make Brett his favorite pie, I don't do it expecting him to then go cut the grass or do some other chore.  I do it because I love seeing him happy (and let's be serious ladies, few things make a man happy like his favorite food).

It seems to me that assuming your relationship (with anyone really) will always be 50/50 is setting both your significant other and yourself up for failure.  No one can be on top of their game 100% of the time - we all need a little help now and then.  If you can find it in yourself to let your spouse be your strength when you are lacking and to be their strength when they need it (whether that strength means cooking all the meals one week or putting their socks on for them), your relationship will inevitably grow stronger.

The Long Haul

Our wedding photos are courtesy of Diana from Infinite Moments Photography

This time in December will always be a special one for me.  This was when Brett decided he was really ready to get engaged (I had decided that months ago - like a typical man, it took him a little while to catch up... I am mostly joking).  This was when we decided to go to the mall and just "look at what was out there" for engagement rings, and ended up going home with one.  And Christmas Eve was when he proposed in front of my mom, dad, sister and grandma.

I've been thinking a lot about marriages lately, both because this was the season of our engagement, and also because December is the month that holds the most proposals.  But rather than my head going immediately to weddings and gowns and cake, I have been thinking more deeply about marriage.  What is it that makes them succeed or fail?  Fate surely plays a part in it, some people just aren't meant to be together.  But I think that there is sometimes more to it than that.

One of the things I said I was thankful for in our speech at our wedding, was the wonderful examples both Brett and I had been given of a true and lasting love.

My grandpa had a brain aneurysm before I was born which completely changed his personality.  Before that point, I have been told, he wasn't always an easy person to be around.  He could be stubborn and had a quick temper.  I remember being over at Grandma and Grandpa's house with my mom one day when I was small and listening to Mom and Grandma visit.  Grandma was regaling Mom with some story or other about Grandpa before the aneurysm and Mom asked "Why did you stick it out all those years?"  To this day I remember my grandma's response.  She said "On the day I married Otto, I vowed to God that I would love and care for him until death do us part.  I would never break that promise."

I don't have a whole lot of memories from when I was that little, so it seems kind of silly that that is the one that I still hold onto.  But when I reflect, I can see the deep impact that hearing her say that has had on me.  Now, this is certainly not to say that anyone should stay in a relationship where they are not feeling valued; an unhealthy relationship is an unhealthy relationship.  But for me personally, this is the reason why I was happy to be getting married young; it was also the reason that I found people's commentary on us being "too young" to get married so frustrating.

Were we young when we got married?  Yes (I was just 21 and Brett was 23).  Were we immature?  Of course we were!  We still are (and we will always seem immature when we look back on our younger selves, whether we are 15, 21, 40, etc.).  But the reason we were ready to get married was because we understood that we were taking a vow.  On June 29th, 2013 I vowed to God that I would love and care for Brett until death do us part - and that isn't a promise I plan on breaking.

Years ago now, my grandpa had a stroke which rendered him unable to walk or really care for himself.  Grandma tried to keep him at home with her until my dad and aunt and uncles convinced her that she just couldn't care for him by herself.  So the family moved him into long term care.  Many wives who had a difficult husband through much of their lives would have taken this as an out.  Would have assumed that the staff at the care home would deal with things from now on and pop by for a visit every few days.

That wife was not my grandma.  Every day (except for a very few holidays where she went to visit my aunt and uncles) she would go to the care home and feed him his breakfast, lunch and dinner.  Every day for years, until the day he died, just under a year ago.

This isn't that remarkable of a tale.  Just an old married couple.  But in today's world where we throw things away so quickly, give up on things so quickly, I think it is something that we need to try to remember.

Not every day of your marriage is going to be perfect.  Your husband won't bring you flowers every day, he won't make you breakfast in bed that often (if he does, high five to you.  Someone has to live the dream :).  Nor will I always be cheerfully making meals, or getting the laundry done right away.  If you are a farm wife, there will be some seriously trying seedings and harvests where your husband isn't a real fun person to be around.  But for me, that was what for better or for worse encompassed.

Daryl Cobbin wrote in this article that "Love is not just an emotion.  Love is a choice."  I could not agree more.  Every grumpy day, every day in seeding when I get to hear ranting about how the brand new seeder still isn't working, I make a choice to love Brett - and it is the best choice I have made yet.

Are you with me on the long haul?  What are your deep marriage philosophies?  I would love to hear about it in the comments.

The Funny Thing About a Wedding

I realized as I was reading the Huffington Post wedding section (I think I am developing an addiction... There is just so many interesting opinion pieces!) that for a blog with "Married" in the title, I haven't been writing a whole lot of wedding/marriage posts lately.  I happened upon this post by Marta Segal Block and was inspired.

I hadn't really realized the effect that the media (in all forms, Pinterest included) has had on weddings - especially on the brides.  There is a lot of pressure on engaged couples these days - with news and magazine articles about celebrity weddings, Pins about "having a unique wedding", "how to lose weight before the big day" and "how to plan the perfect ceremony".  First, there is no such thing as perfect, especially when you are trying to wrangle a wedding party and a couple hundred guests at a single event (really, it just ends up being a whole lot of cat herding).  Second, what happened to the day of putting on the best dress you have in your closet, walking down to the church with a few friends and relatives, getting married with the same vows everyone else says and calling it a day?  The end result is the same, you are still married at the end of it all.

I don't know that I quite understand all the pressure to have the coolest most unique wedding.  Brett and I have always been the type of couple who did our own thing - it is just how we are.  I couldn't really care less what other people did at their weddings - least of all celebrities (except, of course, for Will and Kate. I talk more about my royal obsession here).  When we first started wedding planning my dad left me with the warning "weddings always turn into being about everyone else, so be ready for that.  They never seem to actually be about the bride and groom."  I definitely think that there is some truth to that.  I think one of the biggest reasons brides feel pressure to have the most perfect and unique wedding has a whole lot to do with the fact that we are so worried about how everyone else is going to see us.

I'm here to remind you that your wedding should never be about anything more than inviting your friends and family to join you as you pledge your life to another person.  And the fastest way to end up having issues between you and your groom, is to lose sight of that fact.

That isn't to say that you can't do something different with your wedding.  But I would ask yourself whether that actually reflects you and your partner as a couple.  Are you getting married underwater because you both love deep sea diving and it means a lot to you as a couple?  Or are you doing it to put on a show for your guests and have it be something cool that they haven't seen before?  You don't need to do something different just for the sake of being unique.  In a weird way, having a "unique" wedding now days is almost the least unique option - because everyone is trying to be unique, therefore by being unique you are really just following another trend (well that was confusing.... still with me?).

The funny thing about a wedding is, no matter where you say your vows, whether you wrote them yourself or not, no matter where you have your reception or how you decorate your venue; at the end of the day you still end up married to your best friend.  Isn't that what weddings should be about?

Choosing the Perfect Ring

So you are thinking about getting engaged?  Congrats!  This is such an exciting time, and choosing the perfect ring is all part of that.  But it is a big decision and can cause some stress at the beginning (I know it did for Brett and I).  I hope this post can offer some good advice, it is all things that Brett and I learned when we were going through the process.

First, decide on a budget together.  If the man is the one who will be putting out the cash for the ring, then be respectful of his boundaries.  If you plan on purchasing it together, then it should be a joint decision.  This is probably the hardest part of the whole process; it could be the first time you and your significant other really talk about finances.  Probably the best advice I could offer anyone who is going to be purchasing an engagement ring is that the cost of the ring has no bearing on how stable your relationship is or how much your S/O loves you.  Also, as a female, keep in mind how your ring talk can come off.  For instance, I would point out huge Tacori rings and say "Wow what an amazing ring.  Can you imagine wearing that every day?"  To me, this was just a passing comment much like if Brett were to say "Look at that Ferrari... I would love to commute in that every day."  But to Brett he took it more as "I will be ticked right off if that's not what you propose with".  Classic miscommunication - be aware of this.

Next, know what will drive up the cost.  Diamond cost is directly related to four things: cut, clarity, color, and carat.  Keep in mind I am not a diamond expert, this is just what we learned during our ring search.  I suggest getting a more thorough run down of these concepts by an actual jeweller.

1.  Cut refers to the number of "cuts" (facets) on the diamond itself, rather than its actual shape.  Each flat surface on a diamond is a cut.

Illustration of diamond cuts.  Source.

2.  Clarity refers to imperfections in the diamond that happened while the diamond was being formed.  This will range from no imperfections visible under a microscope to imperfections being visible to the naked eye.

3.  Color is pretty self explanatory.  The best rating of color is a D (totally clear) and then ranges down from that.  It goes from clear and then like an ombre to yellow.  J is where the naked eye can usually detect a slight yellowish tinge to the diamond.

4.  Carat is what you hear about the most and talks about the size of the diamond.  Most experts will say that you should choose a diamond lastly because of it's carat weight.

Hopefully I didn't lose you in all those technicalities.  Onto more fun stuff now.

Look around on the internet together before heading out to a store.  Some sales people can get really pushy and you need to have an idea of what you want before facing them.  Pinterest is always a good source for this.  To help decide on your personal ring style, ask yourself these questions:
1.  What is my personal clothing style like?  Classic, preppy, bohemian, etc.?
2.  Do I prefer angular rings with one large center stone and not much on the band or a ring that has more "flow".
3.  What is my favorite shape for a center stone (Round Brilliant, Princess, Marquis, etc.)
4.  What metal do we want to use (be sure to match this to your skin tone. I loved rose gold but the red undertones in my skin couldn't handle the look).
5.  What kind of center stone do I want?  Diamonds aren't all that is out there.  You could be like Princess Di and go for a sapphire (this is what we did), or do something different like an emerald (I love this one).  Doing something other than a diamond can also help cut your costs.  Just keep in mind the strength of the stone.  Precious stones such as sapphires, emeralds and rubies are hard enough to stand up to every day wear without scuffing but other stones (like aquamarine) might not be able - ask your jeweller about this.

Also, don't forget about the wedding band (arguably the most important ring of the two).  Do you want something with diamonds?  Does your work permit you to have something with diamonds?  I had to get a plain band for work because of infection control policy.  Often, engagement rings and wedding bands are sold in sets, but that's not to say you have to buy them together.  My ring came with a diamond band, but we only purchased the engagement ring because we knew I couldn't have a diamond band for nursing.

Now that you have an idea of what you want, it is time to decide whether you are going to go to the store alone or together.  Brett and I went together, but the downside of this is that I knew he had the ring somewhere and I couldn't see it (since he didn't propose until a few weeks after he bought it).

Lastly, remember that service sells.  Brett had bought a lot of my other jewelry from Heinrichs in Saskatoon and had always gotten good service.  Naturally this is where we went for the final purchase of our engagement ring and we were not disappointed.

Now just to wait for the proposal...

Hope that this could help!  Any questions or comments?  Leave me one in the comments section! 

Our Engagement Photos

As promised, here are some of our engagement photos!  Our photographer is Diana Malinowski from Infinite Moments Photography (learn more about her here).  I truly cannot say enough about how wonderful she has been to work with.  I can't imagine ever taking our photography business elsewhere - she has done such a great job.

We had a beautiful crop of winter wheat that year...

Nothing like a Case iH combine!

Thanks for stopping by!  I hope you have yourselves a wonderful Saturday!

Our Engagement

Hello!  I have been working through this "Our Love Story" series for a while now.  If you have been following along this whole time, I sure do appreciate it!  If you would like to look into the other parts of the story check out these links:

Part I - How I Met my Husband
Part II - My First Date With Brett
Part III - Becoming Brett's Girlfriend
Part IV - Learning the Truth About Dating a Farmer

As our one year dating anniversary approached I could not think of anything other than, when is he going to propose??  Some say that patience is a virtue.  Well....  It is a virtue that I am not in possession of that's for sure.  Brett maintained the same view on the subject the whole time: "It will happen, but I just think we should wait on it for a little while.  Just be patient."  I tell you what, if I had to hear the phrase "just be patient" one more time, I was going to lose it.

After about 2 months of the "just be patient" speech - and some serious obsessing over weddings on Pinterest - Brett and I were at the jewelry store buying Christmas gifts for our moms and my sister.  I managed to convince him that we should just look at rings, just to get an idea of what was out there and the prices.  I found one that I thought might be it - could have seen that coming - but Brett wasn't ready to commit to the ring.  So out we left with the Christmas gifts, but no ring.

Brett and I had a serious conversation after this.  Were we ready?  Marriage wasn't just about a wedding to either of us - it is about a lifelong commitment, and not something to be taken lightly.  We knew we were young, I was still in school and would be for another four and a half years.  But we decided that our age really didn't matter - we loved each other as much now as we would in four and a half years (if we were to wait until I was done nursing school).  And so, armed with Brett's budget, we went back to the jewelry store later that week.

When we arrived, they had just gotten in a new shipment of engagement rings with colored stones.  I wasn't paying a whole lot of attention, just wanted to see the ring that I thought was the one.  They pulled it out and I tried it on.  Brett said that he thought we should just look around a bit more in the store before committing.  I looked over to where the clerk was arranging the new rings and saw it.  The most beautiful engagement ring I had seen so far.  It looked a lot like the previous one I had picked out, but had a bigger sapphire center stone.  That was the one.  Shockingly, it was within Brett's budget, he loved it, and to make it even better, it fit me right out of the case.  Not wanting someone else to buy it, Brett bought the ring right then and there.  He made sure to let me know though, that I didn't get to have it yet.  And I couldn't tell anyone - not even my best friends.  He had a plan that I would just have to wait for.  If I thought my patience had been tested so far, it was about to get a lot worse.

I didn't want to get my hopes up at Christmas time and risk being disappointed.  So I kept telling myself that Brett wasn't going to propose, Christmas would be too obvious, he was still going to wait.  But I couldn't help myself from hoping that he would.

We went home for the holidays, and when Brett dropped me off at my parent's farm he took my dad out for a drive in his car to show him the new exhaust system he'd put on.  They are both car guys, so I didn't think anything of this.  Little did I know, Brett was asking my dad for his permission to marry me.

On Christmas Eve, Brett came back to spend the day with my family (we were doing Christmas Eve with my parents and Christmas Day with his).  I don't think I had been so excited to open gifts since I was a little kid.  I just had to see whether my ring was in that gift bag or not.  We had a wonderful day, visiting and playing board games and cards with my grandma, parents and sister.  My mom made a great Christmas supper as always.  But I couldn't help thinking about that gift under the tree...

Finally we were opening gifts and I noticed that Brett was acting a little strange - he kept looking at me out of the corner of his eye as I worked at opening the bag.  Once I got into the bag I saw that there was a big box inside.  So I opened that, then saw that there was a smaller box nested inside that.  And then another smaller box inside of that.  By this point I was pretty sure of where things were going.  Finally I got into the middle and there it was: the ring box.  I looked up to see Brett on one knee before me.  My mom and sister started crying and grandma just kept saying "Oh my goodness!".  Oh my goodness is right!

This is what he said to me: "Aubrey, I love you so much.  Would you do me the honor of marrying me?"  I started crying now too (happy tears of course) and told him "Yes, of course!"

Austin took this photo right after:

Some other pictures of our celebrations:

Dad isn't a huge fan of having his picture taken...

Thanks for reading!!  I am excited to be posting some engagement photos on Saturday - stay tuned!

On Getting Married Young:

A CBC In-depth study done in 2005 reports that the average age of brides in Canada in the year 2000 was 31.7 (with grooms being an average of 2 years older).  To me, this statistic is mind-blowing - I was 12 years younger than the 2000 national average when I married Brett!

A few things have rolled across my Pinterest feed lately that have rubbed me the wrong way.  One was a meme saying "Getting married at 22 is like leaving the party at 9:30", or "only 2% of young couples who get married will not get divorced" (I also happen to hate "statistics" that are passed around like facts without a cited source... it's the scientist in me).  These things remind me a lot of some of the feedback I was getting before Brett and I got married.  People would see my engagement ring and ask about the wedding, and when I was getting married.  Then would come the inevitable "How old are you??" question.  Upon finding out that I would only be 21 on my wedding day, I was met with one of two reactions.  The first (and nicest) went something like "Oh that is so great that you found 'the one' so soon.  You are so lucky. Congratulations!".  The second (and much less nice) would go more like "Don't you think that's kind of young?  What's the rush?"; sometimes they would even kindly add in "Well don't be surprised if you get divorced right away."  You would be shocked to know how many conversations I had with people  discussing "my imminent divorce".

If you Google "getting married young", there aren't many positive things that come up.  One of the articles I found is from The Huffington Post, where writer David Wygant states that "people should not get married until they hit the age of 30" and "people who get married young do so based on a fantasy".  I don't want you to think that this is just an attack on this blogger's point of view.  I certainly don't know him as a person, I don't know what led him to have his beliefs.  I simply just have a different view on the topic.  I feel that perhaps if young couples who are either married already or thinking about getting married had better support from their peers and communities, then maybe there would be a whole lot of better relationships out there.  Instead of saying to a young, engaged person "Don't be surprised if you get divorced right away" we should be talking to them and supporting them - making sure they know that they have support to be able to work through the rough patches and not just give up right away.

I am sure that there are many young couples who haven't thought through what getting married means, and maybe are jumping into it too fast.  But I would bet that there are also many mature couples who have done the same.  After all, if our average age of marriage in Canada is 30, it can't just be young couples making our divorce rates sky rocket (since most couples would be over 30).

I can't say why others feel the way they do about getting married young.  But I can say why it is working for Brett and I.

Yes, Brett and I were young when we first met and fell in love (I was 18 and he was 20).  We were immature - and still are in a lot of ways.  But over the past three and a half years of being together, we have been growing up and maturing together.  That growing up together, I think, has really strengthened our bond.

Also, I have seen older couples have a harder time combining their individual lives.  After being on your own for so long, and used to doing things your own way, it would be hard to compromise and build a new life together.  Brett and I basically started out together.  We didn't really have a lot of time to build all those separate habits.  We compromised right from the start - from who would do the laundry, to cooking meals, to not leaving the toilet seat up.

Ultimately, I believe that a marriage's success stems from the bride and groom's core beliefs about marriage, not from their ages.  Getting married isn't just about having a big wedding with all the bells and whistles - at least not to us it wasn't.  For a marriage to be truly successful, both the bride and groom must take their vows seriously.  You are promising to love someone in sickness and in health, for better or for worse and as long as you both should live - and you are making that promise in front of God and your family and friends.

Clearly I was taking the "solemn" part of solemn vows very seriously... Either that or trying not to cry!

I guess at the end of the day, I am going to end up sitting on the fence regarding this topic.  I don't think that there is a black and white, right or wrong answer to getting married young or waiting until you are older.  I feel like the focus on a couples age when they choose to get married reflects a bit of a flaw in our society.  Why are we so focused on surface things like age, when we should be looking at something deeper?  Perhaps it is this close focus on the superficial (like age, money, and good looks) that is causing a lot of the marital issues that many people are facing today.  We should instead be looking deeper; at things like morals, beliefs, and values - for these are the true pillars that a marriage will rest upon.